


Reassurance

by 1AlexLaw7



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: BPD, Depression, Lover's reassurance, M/M, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 12:08:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17141477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1AlexLaw7/pseuds/1AlexLaw7
Summary: Ash is diagnose with Borderline Personality Disorder. He struggles through his sickness and finally confides in Eiji with it while feeling like he doesn't deserve Eiji's love because he's messed up.I don't know, just read it.





	Reassurance

**Author's Note:**

> Basically wrote this crap while I was messed up. Um, not my best writing tbh. This is literal shit. But...i hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless. Sorry in advanced

 

His entire life he admits there were times when he’d fall into low states of depression. Which isn’t hard to believe considering his unbelievably shitty life thus far. But, being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder…now that’s an enormously bitter pill to swallow.

Today was a normal, blessed day as any other. The wonderful love life he’s been striving for with Eiji has finally come to fruition once he was free from Dino and Fox’s grasps. It’s been a couple of months since the aftermath. New York’s streets are more or less under the control of good hands. Sing and Yut Lung have China town under wraps. Cain and his crew are keeping Harlem in check. And Ash left Manhattan’s roughrousers with Alex. Ash didn’t want to be involved with New York’s criminal activities anymore than he had to. Occasionally, he’ll visit his old friends, but he remains strictly an outsider from all of the violence, which the others have come to understood.

Ash and Eiji found a place to live together on the outskirts of Manhattan, a nice single home in a rural area. They spend their days cherishing each other, simply grateful to have survived everything they’ve been through. The two became comfortable and content with their days of peace. They would read together, nap together, cook and clean together. Ash never would have thought he’d get to experience a simple domestic life such as this, but Eiji is always surprising him and proving him wrong.

Everything was just fine like any other day for Ash. He’s come to more or less accept his disorder through therapy, while withholding his mental sickness to Eiji. He didn’t want to worry him or…have him treat or think him any differently. He’s been holding up well with it all. But, without even the slightest warning Ash finds himself feeling…twisted. He doesn’t know what started his sudden ‘episode’. Quickly his mood drained all the while feeling helpless, as if his happy persona was being sunk by quicksand. He found himself not wanting to anything. He didn’t want to eat, talk, move. His body became…stagnant, while his mind swirled with dark thoughts. Eiji quickly noticed Ash’s different behavior. Ash may be a heavy sleeper who is difficult to wake up, but it’s been hours since Ash has holed himself in the bedroom. He’s been laying down in bed without so much as a twitch of movement. Eiji initially thought it’d would be best to leave him alone for an hour or two…however, since the 4th hour is encroaching Eiji decides to approach Ash.

Eiji opens the bedroom door gently and walks over their bed with care. Eiji walked around the bed to lay in front of Ash, so that he may see Ash’s face. Wordlessly, Ash blinked. Ash seemed to be focused on a particular spot on the sheets. Eiji wished his lover would meet his gaze and tell him what’s wrong. His once vibrant and shimmering jade eyes were now blank and empty, and his sullen expression intensified the deep look of despair in Ash’s irises. Eiji watched silently for a moment, studying Ash’s face.

“Ash, what’s wrong talk to me?” Ash did not move his gaze from the spot.

“Nothings wrong.” His voice was like a soft, weak whisper. Eiji looks at Ash with concern.

“You haven’t said anything all day and you’ve been lying in bed…you haven’t eaten either. Ash, I’m worried.” Ash gives a pitiful attempt of a comforting smile.

“You worry too much love. I’m just fine.” Still, Ash does not meet Eiji’s eyes.

“Well…I’m just going to lay down beside you like this. I am here for you. And you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.” At this, Eiji sees some sense of emotion in Ash’s eyes, a small flicker of acknowledgment if you will. Eiji grabs a hold of ash’s hand, gently rubbing his thumb in a soothing manner. They lay like this for a few moments in silence. It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t uncomfortable. It was a goof sort of quiet. Peace and tranquility…or whatever they call it.

Eiji was worried about Ash and Ash harbored complex emotions. He simply didn’t want to move or do anything. He had no appetite. No, there was only that endless sinking feeling in his gut and chest, while his mind stormed with indescribable feelings. Part of it dealt with loneliness; not being understood; rejected; fear of abandonment…just paranoid feelings. Basically put, it all felt extremely heavy and suffocating. Which he doesn’t understand why he is feeling like this in the first place. There was no known trigger. It was just all of a sudden that he felt all of these emotions being released from his locked box all at once. Sounds cliché and hard to believe, but he has no other way to explain how he’s feeling right now. He felt worthless and frustrated that he’s even feeling like this. He feels scared- no terrified to be alone. But of course his contradictory mind doesn’t want to be near anyone right now. Honestly, he wants to kick himself for being so unreasonable. His therapist tells him that whenever this happens, he shouldn’t go through it alone. But, his words only makes Ash want to beat the living crap out of him.

He doesn’t know what to do. And so, he laid in bed all day in silent reflection of himself. Sure enough, his wonderful love became worried and now he resents himself more for making Eiji worry.

Its shit.

Everything is just- shit. He’s so tired of it all.

“Eiji.”

“Yes.” Eiji’s heart quickened at the sound of his name.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For settling for me. You deserve better than that.”

“…what?”

“I mean really. I’m no good for you Eiji. You shouldn’t have to settle for someone like me. No one should have to settle to be with me actually.” Eiji carefully considers his next words.

“Why are you saying something like this? What’s making you say all of this?” Ash finally meets Eiji’s eyes. It was then he recognized the pain evident in those adorably large, black eyes. Great, he’s gone and hurt Eiji. This only further contributed to his own self-hate.

“I have a disorder Eiji. I’m sick…I’m messed up. I have a disorder and I can’t accept that. It just all seems so unreal.” Tears started falling from Ash’s eyes. The pain became so unbearable once he saw Eiji’s face. Eiji wipes Ash’s tears silently as he waits for Ash to gather himself.

“You shouldn’t settle.: Ash croaks, the tears now rushing down in a frenzy.

“I’m not settling. Ash, look at me. You’re the only one for me, my soul mate. I’ve never once thought of myself as unfortunate for being with you. I thank the gods everyday for allowing us to survive what we’ve been through together.” His words only spurred Ash to cry harder than before. Eiji tightens his hold of Ash’s hand.

“A disorder is not the end of the world Ash. I know it may seem impossible to believe because you’re going through a bad patch right now, but Ash…my feelings for you won’t change because of it. My love for you is not so shallow that I would think differently of you because of one weakness. Other than that, you are taller, smarter, handsomer, and younger than I am so you have that going for you.” Eiji was able to excite a chuckle out of Ash at that. Eiji smiles at the sight.

“I am not settling Ash. I am lucky to have met you and loved you thus far, and that will only continue…” Eiji chokes on his words towards the end as tears rush down his face.

“So please do not hurt yourself with such painful words. You are Aslan Callenreese, my dear friend and lover. Don’t sell yourself short to anyone and especially not to me because you and I both know that you are worth so much more than what your hurting mind and heart is telling you. Don’t listen to them Ash. Instead, hear me telling you how much you are loved, that you are not alone, and that you are an extraordinary person.” Ash wipes the tears from EIji’s face and pulls his beloved in an embrace.

“Okay Eiji. I won’t talk badly of myself…and I wont say things about settling anymore. I’m sorry Eiji…I’m sorry. Please stop crying.” Eiji returns Ash’s hold fiercely, afraid that letting go will mean he’ll lose Ash forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading everyone. You did it! LOL, I hope everyone enjoys their holidays.


End file.
